things ill miss.

ive complained a lot this pregnancy. i am tired, but cant sleep. i have antsy legs, so i go to the gym (which helps!!) annnnd then im worn out. <--- see how much complaining lol

im also crazy. EJ wanted to video tape my *freak out* the other night over dishes in the kitchen -- something that is not even the tiniest of a big deal and i was laughably insane. i went ballistic the other night bc i couldnt find my phone before bed (but needed the alarm for the morn) - so i looked around... and then again... then longer. i finally gave up, got into bed, and there it was ::twitch:: i burst into tears and then laughed so hard with EJ.

last night i had a hamstring cramp so bad that i woke up and cried, probably scaring EJ half to death, and then it wouldnt go away. it was horrible. but then i think about this pregnancy ending and i get so "ho hum" about it.

i will miss:

1. wondering "was that a kick?! is that the baby!!?" at the beginning. no matter how many kids you have - that question (and realization that its prob gas bubbles) is still fun.

2. finding out the gender. even if all the answers have been the same, its still shocking ;) i scheduled an early u/s this time bc i simply LOVE that announcement. EJ was able to come without taking off work, ASR came (and tortured us the entire time lol it was not a relaxing u/s), and i just waited for that moment that finally we could put a gender to the baby. finally pick a definite name.

3. choosing a name. the conversations with EJ, the laughing about choices, bouncing ideas off other people, thinking about how that kid will be, etc. and then, finally, deciding... and calling her that. and telling the kids "who" she is. having aidan and sawyer refer to this one as "miller" is just the best. they love HER already.

4. having the kids and EJ experience things with me. aidan and sawyer have been to several dr appts with me. sawyer isnt as interested as aidan is -- aidan is just... fascinated. she likes to listen to the heartbeat, she loves the ultrasounds, she can tell anyone *where* miller is in my belly (ie: "her heart is here, her head is down here, her legs are over here....) bc she watched the dr :) sawyer and aidan both love my baby belly (although sawyer is more interested in poking my new outtie than anything else lol) and feel kicks. i love when EJ can finally feel her move, too. especially later when my belly can be seen moving from across the room. and he can feel her go nuts in there - like at night when i just want to rock her to sleep inside my belly bc thats when she goes the craziest haha

5. watching my belly move from the outside. it *never* ceases to amaze me. to watch it roll, stick out inches on one side, feel a foot push out and then back, to watch it get soooo big on one side then BAM - move to the other side... its just awesome.

im sure if i had written this post with little bullets throughout the past months, id have a list of 2039482039482. but as someone who still pukes sometimes (and did for about 3+ months the first/second tri), who just wants to take a nap when the girls do - but then, instead, i do laundry and cook dinner (ok. most of the time lol), who still has some business to wrap up before i go on "official" maternity leave (editing, another shoot, prints to go out, sales taxes, and then fed taxes bc i dont want to be doing that in feb lol).... anyway, because of some of those things, im slightly jaded until i get that baby in my arms ;)

oh, and another thing i KNOW i'll miss already -- that 15 mins between pushing out a baby, holding your baby, realizing you have another baby, listening to her cry, seeing her sweet face, all of it.... its surreal. and amazing. and i immediately want to do it again. just those few mins of birth. when you see who youve had months to fall in love with.

im excited to see whats in store for our soon-to-be family of 6. i am already trying to figure out logistics ;) ive said before that i think 1 to 2 kids was the hardest. 2 to 3 wasnt bad (but lets be honest - i had reese. who is THE most laid back cool baby ever - so 2 to 3 might have been horrid). so i am anxious to see 3 to 4. i have a few other friends who *just* had their 4ths and... yeah, its hard! (ok not for one friend - she got a reese for #4 lol lucky duck).

im sure ill continue hilarity on my FB of my ups and downs. most of you see my ::twitch:: and ::kaboom:: from my head exploding on days where i just... cant... handle it LOL but i wouldnt change anything for the world. its all about your attitude :) easier said than done, but i certainly try.

your perfect family.

so we found out yesterday that baby 4 is a GIRL!!! :)

pics posted: http://www.thisyearslovewilllast.com/2011/08/its.html

since then, the comments on wanting a girl have been super interesting. its fascinating to see how people's own views of a "perfect" family are projected on others.

the minute i found out i was pregnant, i wanted another girl. i told my mom a couple of weeks ago that if they said boy, id have that few mins of "oh. hmm." and would need a pick me up. that boys are loud and rough. and that when i go to the chickfila play area, i pray that i'd have a boy different than all other boys. she reminded me about babygap boys clothes and i felt a bit better lol but not totally convinced.

i looked at aidan and sawyer and saw how they are together. remembering that aidan goes to kindy in 2012 and sawyer the year after, how i would love a sister still at the house for reese. swoon. and aidan, ohhhh aidan. yesterday on the way to the u/s we said "well it could be a brother!!!!" all excited that the option was there for her!! and she actually cried ::dies:: "but i want another sister...." well good. God knew :)

i smiled when moms of boys said "you neeeeeed a boy. nothing is like a momma's boy!!" but inside, i knew our house. i know are dynamics. i know we love putting on princess dresses and painting nails (which, of course, a boy could do if he wanted, but from what friends say -- most arent in the mood for that lol) i have 2 friends who are pregnant with their 4th girl and people have actually said *condolences* to them. like "oh man im sorry....". wtf. its insane what comes out of people's mouths sometimes.

when we heard girl yesterday, EJ had that minute of "oh. hmm." by the time we got in the car, we were making jokes and chatting about it and by yesterday afternoon, he was just as excited as me. its okay to be slightly disappointed. i know he thought just maybe, itd be a boy :) but God knows what our family is supposed to be.

ive always said, if i had 3 boys, i would craaaave a girl for the 4th. hell - if i had ONE boy only, id think id want a girl. but now i wonder if thats true. i have friends with boys and they have no interest for a girl, really. i think thats insane - how could you not want a GIRL!? but thats how they look at us and boys :) that reminds me how different everyone is.

we have 4 kids bc we want them. if we were TRYING for a gender, i would have done things to actually try for one or the other lol - like chart, or temp, and have sex on O day only instead of all of the days leading up. there are "methods" for boy and girl making and you'd think if a boy was on our mind we would have, oh, thought about trying those things for fun? lol

4 kids isnt the measure of how many it took to try to get a certain gender. a perfect family is not always a mix. a complete family is different for everyone. this is my family - what i had prayed for. what i had hoped for. there's no reason to believe otherwise. i said up above that EJ had that pang of disappointment ::shrug:: why wouldnt i say the same thing about myself if it were true? haha

so get ready, my friends, for this girl house. ive been reminded that ill need a few more closets and bathrooms, and a lot more patience as they get older ;) we'll see. either way. im excited for whats to come.